Glimmer in the Dark Wake of the Storm

Reflections for the losses we take into 2019

In the darkness that follows the loss of a job, life, love, it’s normal to be shattered.

You’ve spent a lot of time becoming the person you were in that relationship or that job.

Someone you’ll never forget, till death, is now gone and there’s nothing you can do to bring them back from the grave.

It’s painful for your brain to reel in from such shock.

I’ve been there.

I’ve sat on the floor and cried, replaying the tape and wondering what I could have done differently.

I’ve watched my phone ring and my friends trying to reach me because they’d not heard from me in days. I’ve sat hungry and wondered if I deserved anything.

If I deserved to be loved or to eat.

Or to live.

I’ve been lucky enough to have a brain that recharges when left alone.

I guess it’s the perks of being an introvert.

I also know that every time I overcame any of these necessary losses, with the help of friends and family, not only did I get to redefine myself, for myself, I emerged stronger; with more lessons about life as I’d want it — life on my own terms

I lost someone I’d already imagined getting married to. I lost a job I discovered myself in. I lost two friends who showed me more love than I’d ever imagined was possible from people I wasn’t romantically involved with. I lost my parents’ trust. I lost my own path.

Some days, I’d wake up and wonder who I’d become.

I can tell you, like the monkey in Bojack Horseman:

‘It gets easier’.

It really does. It just requires that you show up every day.

It’s in the darkness that follows this loss that you can see, from the periphery, a faint glimmer of life.

This glimmer could be a friend who makes you feel like you matter. An activity that let’s time slow down, putting you in the flow. You discover your knack for cooking or your love for comedy.

Your interest in writing.

Every time I’ve been able to focus on that faint glimmer, a fire always finds a way to rage.

It almost feels like I need to go through this to be reminded of my true self.

To remember that I’m not my relationship. I’m not my job.

I’m not the work I create.

To remember that I’m human. And that I feel. And that there’s a whole lot of things I can’t control.

But, what I do with how I feel isn’t one those things.

Never forget: you’re in control.

Written by

Cameroonian writer and video creator. Featured in LEVEL and P.S. I Love You. I write about building relationships and personal transformation.

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