If I Had To Be Honest With Myself

If I had to be honest with myself, I’d tell you about the time when you broke my heart and made me miserable.

I would tell you how much you scarred me and how I have searched for you in every woman ever since.

If I had to be honest with myself, I’d tell you about my greatest regret which is: not starting on my path early enough. That I should have taken the reins of my circumstances firmly.

If I had to be honest with myself, I would tell you about the friends I have now. The ones who believe in me and who make me more scared of failing them than of failing me. They are my family now.

If I had to be honest with myself, I would tell you that I miss the time when I used to play video games with my brother. When we had no care in the world except the sound of mother’s vehicle.

If I had to be honest with myself, I would tell you that I am not ready for any emotional engagement. That the scarring was just a way to the truth which is this : I am not ready.

If I had to be honest with myself, I would tell you how much I love my family now. How important it is to me that they are happy.

If I had to be honest with myself, I would tell you how restless I really am. Naturally. And how I struggled to get my degree even though I could very easily have aced it.

If I had to be honest with you, I’d tell you that I hate school. That I cannot sit for long and that I easily get bored.

If I had to be honest with you, I would tell you that writing is the only thing that keeps me sane. That it is an addiction I am proud of. And , as well, the most difficult thing for me.

If I had to be honest with you, I’d tell you that I’d either end-up marrying a writer, programmer or psychologist. And that the latter makes more sense in foresight.

If I had to be honest with you, I would tell you that I find it hard to keep a conversation with anyone who is not cultured and well-read. Not someone who reads the news. No. But someone who has a vast knowledge of the kind of stuff your lecturer considers distractions.

If I had to be honest with you, I’d tell you all these and much more.

But then, I don’t have to be honest with you.

Why?

No reason. I just choose not to. Yeah, I be da kine man.

Written by

Cameroonian writer and video creator. Featured in LEVEL and P.S. I Love You. I write about building relationships and personal transformation.

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