It seems, to me, more than anything, the fight you have is one you know how to win.
Or rather, you’re afraid that winning will open doors you’d rather not.
You said something earlier about being ‘calm’, and I wonder, is it really true that being calm is the opposite of anxiety?
It reminded me of the fights I usually have with the people close to me, and how upset I get when someone says I’m upset.
In fact, when I get angry, the last thing I need to hear is someone else telling me what I already know. It makes it worse and people never learn!
Anyway, what I sense is a desire…or maybe a need to be in control.
Like the sea, our lives are much too large to be held by our meager means. I suppose that’s why we need systems: principles, some people call them. Laws/rules we turn to when we need to make decisions.
We will always come across problems we’ve never had in the past; like Doctors or any other profession, time spent testing and trying and proving, provides a framework for most, if not all, similar situations.
All this to say that what you’re dealing with is hard. It is new. And maybe you’ve been able to handle it in the past in some way, but maybe that principle isn’t applicable anymore.
Maybe you need to accept what you can’t change and do what you can with what you have.
Maybe you do have to let go of who/what you were.
Like the sea, you can’t know where your waves will hit until you let yourself go into the direction of life.
This, of course, is only my opinion. I have had my own share of situations I’d rather not deal with and each time, the conclusion always laughs at me and I wonder why I never learn.
I pray you to do better than I did.