Love: A Choice I Make Every Morning

I am not proficient in any sports. I have a horrible singing voice. I am not particularly handsome. I love video games but I get beat all the time I play. I love chess, but I can’t rank. I can’t cook a decent meal by any account.

By the way, do not feel any pity for me. I mean…pity may be nice and mushy, but that is not the point.

This is just what is.

This is a mundane story from an average dude who started living his life last month.

I have lived 26 years of my existence doing pretty much the same thing that the average 26 year-old does in this part of the world- I went to school, studied for exams, grappled about passion and “the future”, went to college ( we call it University here) and graduated with a degree after two failed attempts.

That, and I have had only two serious girlfriends in my life. The first was a long distance relationship. The second being the one I am currently with.

The same woman I wanted to end our relationship with only weeks ago.

The same woman I am grateful to have by my side as I embark the treacherous journey many call “entrepreneurship”.

Before I argue my case for “Why I don’t call my self an entrepreneur”( in another post, thank you very much), I want to focus on a statement I heard during the podcast interview Derek Sivers did for my favorite author’s podcast- The James Altucher Show.

After the show, I immediately got his book “Anything You Want” and I got the sentence again.

“But if you think true love looks like Romeo and Juliet, you’ll overlook a great relationship that grows slowly”- Derek Sivers

I can not count the number of times I have looked at a female and experienced an increased heart rate, breathing, sweating, faulty speech and all at the same moment repeating to myself:

“Dude, this is love . She’s the one. Go talk to her”.

Yeah. Right.

Or that time in secondary school when I accidentally wrote on the wall in the boys’ bathroom: “Kamga loves XXXX”.

I don’t think I am mature enough to understand what it takes to build a real partnership with a woman with the intention to someday have a family.

I don’t think I will ever be.

However, if there is one lesson I have learnt from taking responsibility for my life last month, it is this:

Romeo and Juliet = fiction. The real world demands real effort and conscious decision making. Loving another person requires you to love yourself ( fully) first- with your strengths and weaknesses and idiosyncrasies.

I am 26 years old. I don’t know the future. And I never will. I fought with my parents about following my own path(not passion). I quit my “favorable” internship because I was very uncomfortable for months. A period of two months during which I revisited my core values and the reason why I woke up every morning.

A period during which I wanted to breakup with the only person who has accepted my laziness, smart ass nature, self-doubt ,(new) quirky diet, and a host of qualities I am not proud of.

It was a dark period. And I have postponed the documentation of this transformation. Not anymore.

A lot has happened. But the support and new found fondness I have of my partner in crime ( as I choose to call her), is what has kept me on the course. Especially last Sunday when I didn’t leave the bed for 24 straight hours.

Did I mention I was mildly bipolar?

I used to think it was an Aquarius thing. Or that I had watched too many movies or consumed too many Entrepreneurial qualities articles. But, last Sunday, I did have the overwhelming feeling that I can only identify in one word: despair.

Yes, maybe I am unemployed. Maybe I have disappointed many people and I felt bad about it. Maybe I didn’t even think I was worthy to follow my own personal legend.

But did that justify the feeling I had?

I wasn’t hungry. I felt like crying, sleeping, crying and sleeping again. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. And, this is not the first time this has happened.

And oh, before you say anything, I know I need to meet a professional.

Or maybe I am just an overindulged media product.

Who knows?

What I know is on that Sunday, she stayed home. She didn’t talk because she knew I didn’t want to talk. When I told her I was hungry and that I couldn’t eat some particular food because of my hemorrhoid condition, she went out and found me something to eat. She ignored how shitty I had been for the past couple of weeks and wanted me to be okay.

She didn’t need to say it. She made me feel okay.

With all the moodiness and ugly mental weather I bore from my recent fights with my parents and the pressure of finding a source of income, she made me feel okay.

If this is not what love looks like, then I prefer to ignore what love really looks like.

And with the new friends I am making with my current state of mind, I am so grateful to be alive in this age and time.

Every morning, I think about that. My partner in crime and my friends.

I choose to love. Maybe you should make that choice too.


Written by

Cameroonian writer and video creator. Featured in LEVEL and P.S. I Love You. I write about building relationships and personal transformation.

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