Man, Today I’ll Take a Break
You know, it’s hard these days. No matter what everyone says about work and dreams and how much you just have to keep going, it gets hard.
It’s hard for me not to feel like I’m not doing enough. It’s hard for me to stop and look back.
Just days ago, I was writing my own personal statement, and it was hard for me to even say what I have done.
And boy, have I done stuff.
Everyone has done stuff. We all know someone is good at something. Great at another. Badass at this cool thing and that hot stuff. I try my best to only give compliments I believe in, and I know that everyone I meet has something worth complimenting.
But some days…some afternoons when on the other side of the earth, the stars align to fill my soul with the fear of the unknown, some days I wonder if I’ll ever be enough, or do enough.
I wonder if I should keep going on. I’ll look at the cursor blinking at me like a sideways sneer and wonder what else will I write today?
What do I have left to write? What happens when there’s nothing left to write?
I want to take a break. But I wonder…a break from what? And when I do take that break, what happens to the work?
A google search will tell me how important it is to take a break. How valuable downtime is. I know this. I know this.
Yes, research now shows that sleep is a major productivity tool.
Yes, ideas come from disconnection and allowing the mind to wander.
Yes, there’s no way staring at a screen all day can glean productivity.
Yes. Yes. Yes!
But why is it so difficult? How did we get here? What problems did I switch for this fear?
They say inspiration is everywhere, but what do I make of life’s misunderstandings?
What do I make of the problems I can’t name?
What do I make of feelings I’m barely learning to identify and patterns I’m aware I need to break but barely cracking them open?
I feel like just when I think I have a plan, something happens to kick my teeth in. And it’s hardly a major thing. I’m healthy — mostly. Every issue I have is sorta known. I have a roof over my head. Food in my stomach. Family and friends that love me.
I can’t escape this feeling — at least not today — that I am not doing enough.
I am aware of what I have been able to do, but writing that list down, or reading it aloud isn’t dabbing this heartwrenching pain that I am still failing at something essential on my path.
I know I’ll be back tomorrow. Even as I write this, I battle the cursor, screaming:
I WROTE TODAY DAMMIT! I WROTE!
It wasn’t beautiful. It wasn’t eloquent. It wasn’t mind-blowing. It wasn’t original.
But I showed up and I wrote.
I still have a long way to go. I have fought too hard to be here. I am not responsible for things beyond my control and there is so much I can do to change my future.
So, today, I’ll take a break.
See you tomorrow.