“Everyone has talent. What’s rare is the courage to follow it to the dark places where it leads.”
― Erica Jong
Have you ever felt like you’ve reached your breaking point and you just sat there with the feeling, not wanting to let go of it — just taking it all in?
A few weeks ago I did. And I wrote this.
I’m going through a hard period right now.
I feel like the flames of my dreams are being snuffed out and the only way I can do something is to retreat to protect the few embers left.
I feel I have reached a limit in my mental capacity. I feel stretched beyond how I had ever felt.
I can’t write. I can’t do anything except watch Netflix and eat.
I was talking with my father just now and he could hear in my voice that I was in a dark place.
It’s dark because it’s new. I’ve never felt this exhausted by arguing about things I believe in.
I’ve never felt my values tested this much.
A lot is going on in my mind and the way I’ve chosen to respond to this is to do whatever comes to my mind that is NOT productive. Watching shows. Eating. Sleeping. Listening to music I like.
I know 1000% that I can’t do anything I’ve ever done well in this state.
I can feel the pain in my chest and the doubt.
The worry. The fear.
The mix of all negativity sniffling on the small ember of hope left for my dreams.
I consider this a snowstorm; blowing through as I fight to take a step forward.
I know I need to wait this one out.
It’s one of those days when the full load of all the fights I have had in my life hit me and I need a break.
Today is a bad day.
But it’s also a good day. I just don’t want to ignore how I feel. That’s the wrong way to handle it, I think.
I know, for example, that at some point today, I’ll find myself crying and I should not try to stop.
I will not stop until my body decides it’s time to stop.
I will not leave until my values have been reaffirmed and I know what I stand for; what I’m willing to die for and what no one will ever take from me.
Today is a bad day. And it’s also a good day.
Because every time I fall, I get a scar and I get stronger. I learn. More about myself and the world.
I know I’ll experience this again someday.
I also know tomorrow could be different.
It’s that chance — the blind faith in the goodness of the world — that I am willing to bet my life on.
“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.”
― J.K. Rowling