The Illusion of Control

Can I learn to bleed again?

What do we really know? What can we really, in effect, affect?

On December 6th, I started publishing daily on Medium. I wrote at least one post, every single day — something I had always wanted to do but never succeed. That day, something clicked. A surge of motivation and new connections made from months being exposed to the same information as well as comments from friends, family and my inner voice. I just had to get on with it.

Tomorrow, the January 6th will then mark my first ever completed 30-day writing challenge.

Or will it?

Was I really in control of this challenge?

Did I fool myself into writing?

What I wrote, did it matter?

Will it?

Can I keep it up?

What now?

The days dragged on. I could feel the rising discomfort: not knowing what to write, where to write, how to write.

What publication?

What time do I publish?

Who am I writing for?

How do I send this to my growing newsletter?

Daily? Weekly?

What about my YouTube channel?

What about my podcast?

What about…?

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Photo by chuttersnap on Unsplash

I know this. The discomfort is one I have felt when there was a need for my imminent evolution.

Where I could no longer hope to coast — where I can’t free form and expect readers to glean.

I need to bleed.

I know this because I look at my drafts and figuratively twist those digital dregs into the nothingness of delete.

What do I really have to say?

What do I really have to say?

What…do I …have to say?

Do I even have to say anything?

A lot stays in my head. Discomfort. A lot I can’t say for fear. Discomfort. So I write poetry. Discomfort. I talk about love. Discomfort. I talk about who I want to be, the life I want to live. Discomfort.

I talk about everything — except D

Can I really control where this is all going?

Can I, in essence, direct my destiny, take the path I would only be certain of in hindsight?

Can I learn to bleed again?

Written by

Cameroonian writer and video creator. Featured in LEVEL and P.S. I Love You. I write about building relationships and personal transformation.

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