There is so much truth in what you write Fanny.
It’s as though you were holding a mirror and I get to see myself even more.
The Ying and the Yang. Light and Darkness. Can one ever exist without the other? Are we truly devoid of one when we express the other?
For me, everyday is a battle. The last couple of weeks have been even more so. Between feelings of disgust, self hatred and self loathing. Because life has a way of reminding me that I am inadequate. That I am incapable of certain things. That no matter how hard I try, I will still get hit. And I will still get down. So, sometimes, I just go off the radar. I lick my wounds. Press the rest button.
Sometimes, it doesn’t work. It just bounces off and back to the dark side. Where there is a faint glimmer of light. Ever inaccessible.
But do you know what the hardest part is? Having to smile and act as though NOTHING is wrong. Going around my community, making jokes, laughing, being nice and all. Seeming flawless.
Yet, praying that someone would call me aside and give me a hug.
Is that okay? Is that right? Must I force the light to shine even when it’s the darkest hour?
I don’t know. I just can’t give up because I don’t know.
Sometimes, however, the button works. A comment tears the mask. A message pushes through. A genuine compliment lights the room.
And a connection is made.
Thank you Fanny. I am pleased that my darkness can make you see some light in the world. It’s a beautiful feeling, believe me.
The reason why my reset button works and I can get back to writing is because every so often, an angel sends kind, lighting words.
This time however, the angel is called Fanny.