Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

You Won't Find Love

She finds you.


I remember how it felt like when I was dating without a purpose: figuring out the kind of love I was looking for. It now dawns on me that the whole time, I was going after something I’d never find.

My goal was to find love. Now…I think I know a little better.

I don’t think love can be considered a goal. Having a healthy relationship is a goal. Being a better partner, another.

In movies or books about treasure, there’s usually a map, a compass — some device with clues which guide our protagonist.

A goal is a treasure to be found/accomplished. Others may have done it, and there is some map that guarantees the likelihood of success.

I don’t think ‘love’ is that way. I don’t think it’s possible to search for it.

Especially in another human.

“But if you think true love looks like Romeo and Juliet, you’ll overlook a great relationship that grows slowly”- Derek Sivers

I notice that in the search for a romantic partner, we tend to become optimized versions of ourselves. We imagine the properties that ‘the love of our life’ would want, and we find ways to embody those — or lie about them.

Loves cooking. Works out. Reads books. Loves children. Caring. Loving. Feminist. Dwayne Johnson with Newt Scamander’s heart.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

During courtship, we come across someone who is genuinely attracted to us because of the temporary charisma we give off. This person falls for a temporal facade we created and, using this information, starts building a character checklist.

How long can this mirage last?

How long do I keep groping at the ephemeral traits built out of the need to impress a potential mate?

I hope I am wrong to believe that we all need to get our hearts broken to understand what love is and how it is sustained.

I hope finding a true life partner doesn’t have to be…



Kamga Tchassa

Helping 30 somethings through the process of building relationships, leveraging their personal stories and improving their mindsets.